Because compared to Paranormal Activity, Blair Witch is a simpering wannabe shaky cam bitch on the receiving end of the new film's invisible backhand. How is this accomplished? Read the bulleted spoilers and see!

-P.A. is profitable as all blazing hell. It surpassed Blair Witch in that respect, and all others, but the profit margin and its leap from sparse theaters to ALL theaters caught my interest first.

-Blair Witch has a witch that you never see, likewise you only see the result of her actions, never the actions themselves. The jiggling tent doesn't count. The effect ranged from grudging accolades to, "ooh, she moved rocks."

P.A., through use of props, the barest, most microscopic pinch of CGI, and sphincter-clenching cinematography, makes the entire audience lose their eyes, gasp to the point of popping their lungs and crush the hands of whichever neighbor is dumb enough to offer their palm.

-The protagonist couple of P.A. is enjoyable to nth degree, the kind of happy, loving kids you kind of envy when you see them laughing by the poolside. The girl's genre savvyness collides with the guy's good-natured machismo. The results are a combo of horrifying, oh-you-dumb-sonofabitchness, and hilarity.

Blair Witch has three potheads that cuss alot. That get lost in the woods. And they're all kind of assholes in their own right. Yep.

-Blair Witch has an invisible witch, while P.A. has an invisible demon. The difference? The witch makes you walk in a circle, shakes tents, piles rocks and hangs teenagers very, very anticlimactically.

P.A.'s demon--which I and my fellow audience member have taken to calling the Nookie Demon--smacks crap around, smashes glass, sets Ouija boards on fire, puffs air onto the protagonist girl's hair, possesses said girl, gets in bed with the couple, leaves footprints and drags the girl out of her bed and down the fucking hall with the guy barely able to wrestle her back. The ending is just...just...good God see it for yourself.

-The endings. The endings, the endings, the endings. There is no conceivable way to compare the two fairly. That is all.


But for realio. Watch Paranormal Activity, as it is the bomb diggity, the shit, the shiz, and even gosh darn entertaining. Not as terrifying as the hype claims, but still just a fan-freaking-tastic film. SEE IT. THE INVISIBLE NOOKIE DEMON COMMANDS IT.


~And Now For Something Completely Different~

It's shameless, remorseless and classless plug tiiime!

This story is snazztacular, though not QUITE as snazztacular as P.A., and would appreciate gratuitous reviews, comments and words of unrelenting worship. Or cookies. Whatever comes easiest.

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